exhaling in the pummeling rain on a1a

spent the tail end of yesterday afternoon playing chicken staring down a phone message from my doctor's office WHY would they be calling on monday when they told me there would be no information until wednesday unless the news was so ragingly, painfully bad that there was no point finishing germination? having finally gotten some sleep all day yesterday i was groggy from something other than the pain medication and i found the fear running through my veins again like a train through the mountains rolling with the momentum of a downhill run, rolling with the power of uphill locomotion my heart racing like a rabbit on the discovery channel, about to be dinner for some fanged beast of prey and knowing the observers weren't going to intercede so i went to the grocery store and there in the publix, between the mojo criollo + the fresh fruit, the crunchy peanut butter and the spanish saffron looking way into the "i don't have a problem" DTs it occurred to me (eek): not calling doesn't outrun the outcome bad news is still bad stuff, even if you refuse to let them tell you pick up the phone, stupid, and dial and so i did... there along the ocean highway with the rain coming down sideways, the malibu flashing and crawling my heart pounding harder than tommy lee in motley crue's most rocking days terrified and driving and holding for dr cooper's nurse the poor nurse forced to tell me to get on a plane because, you know, i must be amputated from the waist up "you're cancer free..." WHAT? "your tests are back... cancer and pre-cancer free" I AM? "yes, you have a pappiloma...and dr cooper can explain that when you come in for your follow-up visit." But...I'm...okay? "perfect." and that's when the crying started. sobbing. bawling. then crying all by itself. in classic holly fashion, though, i also threw up... too much adrenalin with nowhere to go so it created its own exit path and then i cried some more relief. joy. surprise. it was all there. everything i was sure i wouldn't be feeling at the end of the phone call terrified that if i told myself it was nothing, fate would not be amused that i wasn't taking this situation seriously and ZOT the hell out of me terrified enough that i wouldnt consider the possibities for fear of making it real fate being cranky with my lack of faith and ZOTTING the hell out of me so somewhere in a reality akin to a green grape suspended in red jello where denial didn't exactly run rampant, nor fatality frolic like a colt in pastures of green i tried to be stoic, gargle with terror and act as if i don't know how i did really i do know that the people i told made me feel better and everyone who responded to the e-mail were angels with wings on their fingers thank you in ways you can't imagine, for things you wouldn't consider fear of being erased is as bad as the fear of pain i'd like to believe that a bad thing wouldn't make people sidestep me the way we sometimes do street people when we know we can't change their fate people are our greatest strength for just when i was sure i wasn't going to make it to wednesday came this outpouring of strength and hope and love it hopefully wasn't too taxing for you but a huge deal for me and i thank you for it know how powerful little things can be give them whenever you can because my doctor was aggressive about something that was potentially life-threatening -- the very same course of action andre agassi's 30 year old sister took + ended up being positive, but now back in step and shape with a perfect recovery rolling out before her) and know somewhere amongst the packing boxes, i am laughing a laugh of the freaked and now settling that awkward sound that means i have seen experienced something bad but it looks like all is okay because that's where i am this morning painfully grateful both for the results and you and eddie montgomery who let me know to let people reach back a-men and then some it ain't an aerosmith review, but to me -- i PROMISE -- it's every bit as exhilerating! ps: the doctor's office had told me it was tuesday or wednesday because if the results had been dodgy, they'd have wanted to run them twice and because my doctor's speaking at a medical conference and wouldn't have been able to make the double-checked call until then and wisely, he didn't think it was something he should palm off on an assistant talk about sigh and the some -- -- Holly Gleason
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driving + crying… two lanes running through my heart 9/11

hard to believe i'd ever not just jump on a plane and maybe out of respect for those who NEED to get places quickly i opted to drive up to cleveland for a couple items of business this weekend 8, almost nine hours in a car...and yet in light of what's befallen our country, it was the best thing i could have ever done we live these go-go fast paced lives, racing and jumping and twisting to fit it all in, hit the mark, make our number and the pressure builds and the pressure drains us of the basics like how beautiful our country truly is rolling out of nashville on the three lanes of I-65 north it was green and rolling, as the nation fell beneath my tires relinquishing the ground that is all of our's to cherish, to savor, to embrace the hills were reaching up toward the horizon, but they were also beckoning me to come forward and really consider this land… kentucky was those stone faces, blown apart to make way for concrete ribbons all the jagged edges, the piles of slate extending different lengths like shelving built to last forever, holding the tales of all who'd ever traveled through there and the lushness of it all the pine needles scraping out against the blue the thick, forest and emerald green of oaks and maples and every other tree rich with sap, bobbling on the breeze, tranquil, yet strong at rest because it's the posture that best suits sun dappled fridays those trees lining the hillside, rising and falling with the topography but always reaching to the heavens with a faith that defies gravity even as there is nothing more firmly rooted in the rich kentucky soil and there was louisville in all its preserved glory exactly as it was, even as it grows more modern every day reminding me that the past is the key to the future and forgetting what we were and are negates the fertile lives we've led that brought us here... for the birthright and the experience accrued is a gift kentucky, with it's white fences and its horsey allusions (even their highway signs) offered that sense of the land as emerging power... as the ground moving and swelling... as something that is a force of its own ohio offered its fecundity as a broad gift once cincinnati with its skyline and its stadium and its merging lanes fell away and the two lane each way (no superhighway for my home state) pulled away from the bottom bookend of the buckeye state, ohio's vast expanses spread themselves endlessly before like the sun dying -- spilling melted crimson lipstick beyond the eye's view -- on the ocean in key west... behind barbed wire or split rail fences, the fields are ready for the harvest the corn probably taller than i am... brown with its tassles swinging in the wind green fields with yellow flowers on the tips, some crop i probably should know hayfields half-mowed, with the big rolls of winter-food for livestock left in the midst of the newly shorn green fields where they promise both a future filled with more waving grasses to be brought in and the knowledge that winter will not starve the cattle or the sheep or the horses or whatever else they'll feed it to there were the paint peeling barns in reds and whites with tar black roofs the aging witnessing the time already committed to a way of life that keeps our country strong -- and reminds us, too, that farm aid's message (keep family farmers on the farm) is as much about protecting a way of life that was the backbone of this country you could see flags on the mailboxes, where the access roads abutted 71 and those mailboxes all sported those tiny flags in tangible demonstration of their commitment to the greater way of life... and the houses and the fields and the equipment and the crops are all part of this amazing multi-layered truth that is this country... that is the unseen things that are the fiber of our being sure, the roads were scarred and patched. the ride was bumpy and hot and i think i got sunburned on my face while driving but it was also breath-taking, to come over a hill and see an amazing valley to look down from a bridge and see the water flowing forward, not concerned about who did it or what does it mean just moving forward in tranquility, the power coiled in the current + the faith lodged in something higher yet more basic i drove because i was afraid to fly i arrived a rich woman, reacquainted with the majesty that is this land to see trees creating a canopy for travel to watch tobacco leaves bend and wave and sigh to know that there is richness in the soil that will feed us forever if cared for what more could be want from our nation? it is a gorgeous, beautiful, inspiring place in its raw forms it is worth seeing to remember where it all starts from if you're feeling weak or small or scared or impotent get in your car get out of town drive 'til you come to a much less cultivated or urban place and just feast on what you see... it will take you to a place where you heart soars, your eyes tear and your soul is fed in ways that it desparately needs right now i promise because i could feel much of my terror and sadness falling away... a tranquility and a joy replacing it just when i needed it most and was sure it was to temporal to even try to chase sure i wept a few tears, but they were tears of recognition with jimmy webb's "wish you were here" and "just like always" playing as the miles fell away with the sun-dappled afternoon and those tears set me free for whatever it's worth it's not giving blood, but if what you can do is remind yourself how vast and beautiful it is what better gift for yourself and your fellow travellers? indeed and may st christopher go with you! xoxox holly g cleveland, ohio by way of nashville, tennessee 18 sept 2001
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